Saturday, November 21, 2009

10 Reasons Hanging Out at Home with my NES is Cooler than Watching Edward Cullen

I am like many men in the world who was forced to succumb to the first Twilight movie.  The new movie came out this weekend and is already breaking box office records.  I happily got out of seeing the second one.  I spent my time playing NES - like any red blooded American, male should.   Here are my ten reasons hanging out at home with my NES is cooler than watching Edward Cullen.

10.)  My NES has no sensitive side.  When playing the NES, frustration builds, there is no secret to anyone that knows me that some games can bring out my inner demon.  Yet, no matter how frustrated I get and how hard I throw the controller, slam it into the ground, drop kick the system, it keeps ticking.  While Edward is busy crying in the woods - the NES is getting ready to play another game of Castlevania even after I just bounced the controller off the wall and dropped the system from four feet in the air. 

9.)  He can't handle Mike Tyson.  Does anyone believe Cullen would stand a chance against Mike Tyson.  He had a hard time taking care of Volchok from The O.C., does he really think he has a chance again Tyson. 

8.) Bases Loaded.  Like I said in the introduction, I saw the first film.  There is a scene where all the vampires go out and play baseball.  And I think that's great, America's past time should be open to all imaginary creatures.  However, even though they can fly through the air to make amazing catches and be able to hit the ball farther than any human, I can play Bases Loaded on my NES.  I can throw unbelievable curve balls in Bases Loaded.  I can crush all competition with Jersey and hit the ball out of the park pretty much every time with Ryder and Bay.  The Cullen family even with their "special" powers wouldn't stand a chance against Jersey.  No team could.

7.) I can turn my NES into anything.  Edward Cullen is a vampire.  That is it.  My NES can be converted into just about anything.  Do a Google search for NES mods and you will see dozens of options of things you can do with your NES.  You can take out the hardware and make it portable.  You can turn the controller into an MP3 player.  Just a vampire, what a joke.

6.) Up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, Start.  There aren't 30 Cullens.

5.) You can humiliate your friends with your NES.  Mr. Sensitive didn't leave any room for competition.  He didn't make Bella fight for him at all.  That is so anti-NES.  With the NES, if you want to win someone's respect and affection, you need to make them cry.  You have to get your fourth interception returned for a touchdown with Mike Singletary in Tecmo Bowl.  That is how you truly earn someone's respect.  He can stop a car and then introduce her to his vampire family but he can't run Bo Jackson up the middle over and over again while his best friend threatens his life if he does it again.    If he did, he wouldn't even need to worry about the dude that turns into a wolf in the second movie.

4.)  My NES has a Super Successor.  There is no Super Cullen.  There is a Super NES.  All of the fun of the original with more power. 
*Note: I do think a Super Cullen could be cool and make me actually want to see the second movie, just as long as the super part doesn't involve more hair gel.

3.) My NES can handle sunlight.  The NES will not start glowing and get all glittery in the sun.  Maybe if you are talking some of that Arizona 110 degree days then who knows - any time it is over 105 degree, some crazy things can happen.  But, here in the Midwest, if I have a real urge to sit out in a lawn chair with a TV, my NES, and a beer on a nice, sunny day - I can do it without worries. 

2.)  The NES saved an industry.  That is great the Cullen saved her throughout the movie - the NES saved the entire video game industry.  After E.T. tore it down, the NES was there to save it. Just one person, that is just plain lazy. 

1.) My NES has a gun and a robot.  Sure he can stop a moving car with his bare hands and climb a tree with someone on his back in seconds flat, but does he have a gun?  A robot?  That's what I thought.  Case closed.

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